This is not a blog about dance or how to be a better version of yourself. It is a bit unconventional and I am perfectly fine with that because it is real.
This is a blog about the reality of losing someone you care deeply for and the humanity within that process that no one really prepares you for or provides you with the tools for you to navigate your emotions. You literally grow and expand emotionally as you lose friends, and family close to your heart. It is a process that is unraveling and creates a pause in life you cannot prepare for.
Many of you may have found out recently that my stepmom was very sick with a weak heart and consequently failing kidneys. She had been fighting these conditions for a couple of years and each hospital visit inched closer to the harsh reality of getting older, passing. She spent a good portion of the past 2 years in and out of the hospital. Some of those visits we thought she was not going to make it back home but her natural resilience kept her fighting and recovering to teach us all how to leave this earth gracefully.
The most beautiful thing about my stepmom that I loved is that she always had joy to share. She made everyone feel at ease and happy even when she was in the most pain. Even with a weak heart she loved bountifully. Her team of nurses, doctors, and ICU roomates were blessed by her joyfulness. She cracked enough jokes and delivered enough wisdom for everyone who treated her to fall in love with the person she was. Her nurses literally teared up uncontrollably when they took her off all the life support machines and transported her to a different room to basically pass. Even during that time she cracked jokes about being among those that were passing but she was still alive.
In the past I could tell my stepmom was scared about leaving this earth when she went to the hospital for emergency surgeries. However, when she passed recently I could tell she was absolutely ready to go. She had accepted her fate and would not let any of us bring any energy of sadness around her. She would always tell us to stop crying or quit being sad because she had lived a good life and if it is her time, it is the Lord’s will. It is one of the most courageous things I have ever experienced in my life. I hope when I transition it is somewhat close the the grace and ease she made everyone feel.
Reflecting on our relationship.
At first, I wasn’t sure if I would would be able to refer to another woman as my mother but I was happy my father married someone that was good for him. However, once I heard her southern accent and experienced her joy in real time, I knew she would eventually become my favorite person. We would chat at least 3 times a week and if at any point I got too busy and wasn’t able to call her she would leave a message that said, “Call me Fool!” “MA misses you.” She was my biggest cheerleader in all my endeavors and at times where I felt drained from everything, the joy in her voice refueled me to keep pursuing my goals.
Why am I sharing this? We are all going to lose someone close to us as we grow older. It is inevitable. As we grow older no one tells you how to navigate the feelings you experience from a loss or how to continue living your life with that missing piece that once made you feel like home. Here are a few things I learned as I continue this grieving process.
1.) Create a consistent self-care routine
Be sure to have a daily or weekly routine that either pours into your physical wellness, your mental wellness, your spiritual wellness or all 3 simultaneously. Also, be disciplined and consistent about it. The flip side of not having a routine is that without one the waves of grief has an emotional weight to pull you into a depressed state for long periods of time because it throws you already hectic life out of balance. Having a daily routine that pours into you will allow you to experience those waves as they come but a consistent self-care routine allows you to reset and continue living in the present.
2.) Grief is on going experience
A friend of mine worded this perfectly recently so I will quote her. “Grief is something we carry forever. Time transforms it and expands us to be able to live with it.” This is by far the best explanation of how we all experience grief. It changes us and we become more aware of the realities of losing a loved one and living without them for the rest of your life.
3.) Set reminders to intentionally Check in with yourself
Life is often on auto pilot. We often wake up at a certain time, we go to work for a good portion of our day, we take care of things for our homes, some of us have to take care of children in that process and sometimes the day passes without checking in with ourselves. Well, when someone passes we also go on auto pilot when taking care of everything(funeral services, lawyers, will, family, life insurance claims, estates and so many more things) that could literally have your head spinning for months and in some cases years after a loved one passes. You find time to be on your phone throughout the day so intentionally set a reminder to check in with yourself and do your absolute best not ignore it. Or find resources like a grief therapist to help you navigate your feelings.
4.) Support will wane but continue to find support in others
The initial outpour of love and support will wane after the first week, not because people don’t care anymore but because everyone is going through some type of loss or is overwhelmed with their own lives. So lean on your self-care routine or if you have not figured that out yet seek a trusted friend of a family member that you can’t vent to every now and then. Hopefully you can be that friend for someone in the future.
5.) Give yourself grace
There is no rule book or picture perfect example of what grief looks like. It is different for everyone. It is very normal however you experience it. Sometimes you are overwhelmed with sadness, sometimes you are flooded with memories, sometimes you may be flooded with tears, sometimes you can’t get out of bed, and other times you may even experience joy from reminiscing about time spent together. Whatever grief looks like for you that is exactly what it is for you so don’t let previous depictions of grief make you feel awkward about how and when you feel things.
I hope this means something to someone reading this and if you have not experienced losing someone close to you yet hopefully when that happens you can use this as a reference. The past 5 years has been a rollercoaster of losing close family members, friends, and people that meant alot to all of us. Some days are tougher than others but I will never forget what they meant to my life and the life they lived on this earth. I will continue to grieve who they were but I will always remember how they tried to make this world a better place. I hope this blog gives you guidance in such a delicate process and you can provide guidance to help the next person live while experiencing loss.