We all know someone in our lives that represent a pillar that never falters. They never seem to complain, they are always there to support/encourage you throughout your endeavors, always offering a dependable helping hand, and they are always willing to give their time when you are in need. I think the term we subconsciously associate these individuals with is ‘The Strong One.’ The one that holds everything together. The one that makes you feel a sense of resolve when they are present. The one that listens to your problems, gives his/her unbiased advice, talk you off of a bridge when you are at you ends wit, and is just always there to pick you back up when you are down. 

I don’t quite know when it happened in my life, but I became ‘The Strong One’ without even being aware of it. All I know is that it happened at an early age. As the oldest sibling in my family, I am the ‘Big Brother’ to everyone or the one that is always the model of consistency. So in some ways I took on a semi-parent role at a young age where I put my sisters first above myself because my mother was a single parent who worked multiple overtime shifts to give us the life she thought we deserved.

However, over time you learn that if you don’t let family/friends live their lives without being the supporting bridge over the river mistakes that are inevitable in life, you will create a dependency for them to always seek your assistance. However, when you make that decision to focus on your own life, you realize that being ‘The Strong One’ means no one makes an effort to check if you are going through any challenges. There is not even a question that you may need an ear to vent your fears, struggles, and life frustrations. 

So over the years ‘The Strong One’ has to develop their own ways of working/coping through their own challenges without a pillar of their own to guide them through the rough patches.

Everyone marvels at the consistency ‘The Strong One’ exemplifies. They are treated analogically like professional athletes. As long as they continue to produce on the field and fulfill their entertainment duties or provide the support you need in your life in this case, you are blinded enough to not see they need support as well. They are just expected to be a machine and be light for everyone through it all. 

I remember a specific real life scenario between me and my bestfriend/business partner Susie K., where I had to explain that I wasn’t a machine and needed time to be human. Where even as a friend who knew the inner workings of how physically and mentally demanding being a chef was I still had to remind her that I was human. That I needed time to recover and decompress so I can be the Rishone that everyone knows. 

When I first started my business as Plated Soul I started it as a customized meal prep service. At one point I had quite a few clients that I made meals for on a weekly basis. That menu creating process for each client was something I thoroughly enjoyed but it was drawing energy from every part of my being to meet my extremely standards every week.

The crazy details of what that entails are not necessary to share but let’s just say from Thursday through early Monday evening I was locked in mentally, creatively, physically, and spiritually. Needless to say, at the end of every week I was so exhausted on so many levels that I wasn’t even aware of.

As you all may know, every week for the past 6 years Susie K and I meet on Monday evenings to evaluate how the week went for Musicality Central and what we needed to do to make the following week even better. That involves diving into client class experience, how to set the atmosphere, how to cater to new clients, how to cater to our regular clients, how we delivered our material, what routines were next, what workshops were next, Ad campaigns, collaborations with other businesses, email marketing ect ect… A few meetings in a row after a rough weekend cooking for my clients I realized I was becoming more and more short with Susie in these meetings. I literally had no more patience or capacity for anything not straight to the point. We would go down our to do list and I would respond with: ‘Next, keep it moving, OK solution, what is the solution or Can we get to that next week? I was unaware that I was trying to get through the meeting as quickly as possible so I could go home and decompress. Also though Susie is my best friend, she was also one of my clients at the time. I expected her to understand how tough my weekends were especially because I would tell her how taxing it was as a whole. However, most times expectations are a false sense accountability that doesn’t exist in the world of the person you desperately want to notice when you are going through some challenges. 

She would move through our meetings not acknowledging how much stress load I had just carried for 4 days straight with no breaks. With all that I was still expected to be happy, patience, and always supportive.  I was still expected to deliver a certain level, a certain standard, a certain product despite the exhausted state I was in. 

This threw me for a dead spin of emotions so I took some time to evaluate my business, life, how I existed in my world of stress, and my own part in how people treat me. Especially if my best friend was treating me the same way everyone else does during this time. 

It made me realize that you determine how people treat you. If you are real about what you are experiencing and what capacity you have to handle life then people will treat you accordingly. If you give the perception that everything is always good and you go through life like a machine then people will treat you that way. So we had a real conversation about what I was going through, took responsibility for how I was showing due to my stress load and the time I needed to decompress in order to be 100% myself. Most importantly I had to ask her to see me as a human. 

Additionally, in society male fragility is not a thing so as a male you are not expected to express your emotions, insurmountable challenges, and communicate that you are going through a hard time without looked as weak. And that you are not sure you are going to make it through. But because you have faced so many of these challenges on your own you know no matter how hard it gets, you know you have a high percentage of surviving so you hold your head down, tuck your emotions in temporarily, and you push through. 

If you have someone in your life that always seems to have it all together, that has been there for you 100% of the time, and always seems to be happy, have a real conversation about what they are going through. Now, think really hard. This Thanksgiving know that it could be your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your uncle, your really nice neighbor, or that teacher that is always there for you. Don’t assume they are always ‘OK’ because they make life easier or more enjoyable for everyone. Care enough to ask how they are really doing. Most times it may take asking them what’s going on with them a few times for them to share but they really, really want to. You just have to treat them like they are human, like they treat you. Listen, not just to listen, but also to genuinely offer your help in anyway you can and realy mean it. Even if you don’t understand completely, ask them how you can help. Always remember how hard it is to go through your own challenges even with someone there to help you through. Imagine what someone who rarely ask for help is experiencing. Never assume ‘The Strong One’ doesn’t need help. They need you to help them take off their cape every now and then. 

Loving people while they’re here

Have you ever attended a funeral or memorial service and thought to yourself, “what a beautiful tribute to such an incredible person… If only they were here to see it.” Unfortunately as we continue to get older, death more increasingly becomes such an apparent and inevitable part of life. But it seems that it isn’t until after someone passes that people feel led to express their love or appreciation for that person. The Facebook posts of adoration flood in, the stories of the impact that person had come to light… But the person who should really have been privy to all of those kind words is no longer with us and not able to experience that outpour of love.

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about as we prepare to have my brother Matt’s memorial service. I remember last year when he passed, the amount of people who shared stories of their love for Matt was astounding. But he was gone and had no idea. That makes me so sad. 

Why do we wait until someone is gone to express our love for them?

Let’s do something about that. Let’s celebrate each other, each and every day.

I’m not saying that we need to have parties for people every day. But if you’re thinking about someone, shoot them a text of encouragement or give them a call to tell them you love them. Heck, maybe even send them a heartfelt card sharing a time they impacted your life that they may not know about. It doesn’t need to be a big gesture, it just needs to come from a genuine place, and I guarantee that you’ll make that person’s day.

If you wanna take it a step further, especially for someone who’s really important to you, take some time to think about what would make them feel loved. Maybe you can create a scrapbook of your friendship/relationship, write them a poem, or make them a meal. Or you can reach out to other people who are close to the person to collect notes filled with love that you can compile together.

Let’s start getting intentional with how we treat others, especially those who we care about most. Take it from me; you don’t want to simply wait and think, ‘oh I’ll get to it tomorrow or next week.’ No, do it NOW! Cause another day is not guaranteed.

I remember 20 years ago, I was in the best shape of my life. I had been living with my mom on the forgotten borough of hilly Staten Island, New York for 2 years after withdrawing from the pre-med program at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I could run 6 to 8 miles at 4am in the morning in under an hour, do my basketball workout for an hour immediately after, then get ready for work, and walk to the train station about a mile from where I lived on Seaview Avenue. I would do all of that get to my first job at KFC at 8am to prepare for the store opening at 10am. 

Yes I know, I know, that sounds crazy, but what makes it even crazier is that when I got home at about 8PM after my long shift, I would do 1000 push ups and 1000 sit ups in under 1 hour and 15 minutes. Even as I am typing this, it sounds like an embellishment, but the truth is I didn’t get to that level of fitness all of a sudden. Yes, youth had so much to do with it, but it took me a full year of consistency and constantly pushing my limits to do a little more everyday to get to that level. 

It took me about 4 months to go from walking 2 miles every morning to running 1 mile without stopping. I started with 20 push ups for 5 sets and the same for sit ups to get to 100 for both in under 40 minutes. Everyday, no matter how stressful it was or how tired I was, I kept waking up early and completely giving everything my body allowed me to give. Then when the workout became manageable, I would increase my run mileage by a half mile or a full mile and my callisthenic workout by 5 more reps per set. So my push ups/sit ups combo went from 20 to 25 after about a month and a half at a time. Progressively after waking up and repeating this for a full year, I reached my peak fitness as I mentioned in the beginning of this blog. 

I had never had a six pack in my life until that point. No matter how many sports I played in school(Soccer, Track & Field, Basketball, Tennis). However, after that year I saw this physical version of myself for the first time that I was absolutely proud of but it came with even more advantages. I was never more mentally sharp. I started studying to return to school again and it was just much easier. I was able to focus more, make quicker, and more educated decisions. I was never more confident, centered, balanced, and present in everything I did. 

I would have never met this version of myself if I didn’t make the commitment to get up everyday to give a little bit more to better myself. Of course this is written from a physical perspective but I benefited from so many different areas of my life. A few weeks ago I was driving in my car after a long disappointing day and instead of shutting down like I do for a short time, I told myself just to focus on getting better a little bit at a time everyday no matter how hard the day was. 
I have followed through with that since then. I have renewed my approach to each day by not setting an expectation to be perfect but approaching each day with an open mind for growth when my mind, body, and spirit allows it. Now that I am older, I listen to my body, trust my instincts and maintain a discipline that is conducive to my lifestyle.

The question is how does that help you or how does this story benefit you? Other than learning a little bit about me there is so much you can take from this. At the age of 39 I am nowhere near the shape I was as a young 19 year old but it has always been a goal to get back there. It takes me longer to recover from a full day of working out. I do not have a six pack but with a few more months of discipline I see it coming back. I am not a mentally sharp as I once was but with each day I get closer. I cannot just eat anything I want but I am learning about what fuels me better to be more productive. Needless to say, I am not exactly at ground zero but I am excited because I get to go on that journey again to get back to that version of myself 20 years later. 

If you have any goals that seem far away from where you are now, know that you do not have to achieve it in one day or even a week. Take that pressure off of yourself and just commit to doing a little bit everyday in the direction of the results you want. If it is to be physically fit, do a little everyday until you can push yourself to do more like I did above. Walk till you can run. If you want to be a better, more effective speaker then read more, and find opportunities to speak as much as possible. If your goal is to become a better cook then get familiar with your kitchen and start with some easier recipes till you can tackle the harder ones. If it is to learn how to dance, find a dance class or find dance ciphers where you can learn from or learn how you can work to get a little better everyday. Get up everyday with that mindset and I guarantee you will figure out how to accomplish anything you truly want for your life. That’s my message for this blog. If you do a little every day it has the potential of changing so much unexpectedly. 

I wake up every day looking forward to doing something the wrong way. I know that may sound abnormal to you but I get anxiously excited to know that I didn’t get something right the first time or the 10th time I tried it. Why? because I have become more accommodating emotionally with the journey of learning, making mistakes, truly understanding why I made that specific mistake, coaching my emotions, developing a solution to continue learning, and celebrating each step that is closer to the finish product that I see in my mind. Finally, knowing that each opportunity I get to improve slowly removes the ignorance and the unknown factors of life that fuels inactivity or progress. 

Still to this day, I shrink in my confidence when trying something new due to the programming of perfectionism that we all struggle with but there is apart of me that now knows how to flourish in the unknown when faced with learning something new. This was not the case when I was younger but now I proceed almost automatically beyond excited to walk through that fog of uncertainty in front of me. 

I have spent so much of my life scared in fear of what is next that life decided to teach me to become a superhero to save me from myself. Life has showed me that it doesn’t matter what is next, you have to live full in the version of who you are now and continue to work on who you will be tomorrow.

It sounds like such a cliché, but most of the time we are numb to our own processes or routines that dominate how we function daily. This lack of awareness tends to block our own progress depending on how long it takes of to recognize it and then actively try something different. Being wrong is not we like being so we mask our efforts in knowing it all and being right. 

I know that who I am has been groomed by 3 people throughout my life.

My grandmother is my reflection of the unconditional love I have for everyone and all living things under the umbrella of what God intended. So I don’t take any moment or any involved in an experience for granted. That enables me to respect and support others on their own journeys. 

The way I monitor my routines and patterns is a reflection of my uncle. He represented accountability and emotional intelligence in my life. How to quickly get results through analyzing my actions, take responsibility for them and making small adjustments that creates new opportunities to learn. He is also the reason I am solution focus. I don’t identify a problem without providing a solution. So I look at failures and mistakes as opportunities to try something new that I never thought was even possible for me. 

My mother taught me how to live, laugh, and enjoy myself in the process no matter how hard life gets. Indirectly she taught me to work hard but also find the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. So as it pertains to this blog even when I am wrong I am accountable but because of her I don’t take myself too seriously because I know I am learning and that is always ongoing. 

We are so incredibly hard on ourselves in new learning experiences but here is what I want you to take from this blog. So often we make one mistake and then get so discouraged that we convince ourselves that this new experience may just not be our thing. 

However, I employ you to consider some of my influences in life. Try your hardest when you go after something new. Be present and intentional while in the process of learning. Truly find ways to love your selves and everyone involved in the process like my grandmother taught me. Be accountable for your mistakes because it creates space for you to work on understanding yourself like my uncle taught me. Additionally, take your progress into consideration, no matter how small it is, while simultaneously respecting/separating the progress of others without comparing yourself to them. Lastly enjoy every moment of your successes and failures, like my mother taught me, so you grow more from the journey. That makes the destination that much sweeter. 

We’ve all been there… Asking ourselves, “What’s my purpose?”

I don’t know about you, but it’s always seemed like such a big question, almost too big to even try to find an answer.

But I’ve recently realized I was making it too complicated. By simplifying it, I was able to find my purpose. Figured I’d share my revelation, cause I know I’m not alone in my quest to figure out what the heck I’m doing here.

I’m just gunna get right to it.

Your purpose is NOT your career. If I could boil it down to one thing, it’s the IMPACT you have on the people and world around you.

So how you have or create impact? You do that by BEING YOU – Your most genuine and authentic self, in all situations. Maybe it sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth.

Before you can “be yourself,” you have to know yourself. Who are you? If no one  or nothing else was there to influence you and your decisions, how would you live? Take away all the “shoulds” that we hear from our friends, our parents, society…. Start paying attention to what truly makes you happy at your core, and move towards those things!

This may be where we start talking about career paths. I know I said your purpose is not your career. And I stand by that. However, we are meant to be our authentic selves, and with that, we all have our own passions. Things that truly light us up inside. And when we do those things, we tap into our true selves. So whether it’s your career, or your other day-to-day activities, I encourage you to follow your passions, regardless of what other people say or think. Because your passions are where YOU LIVE.

Which then brings us back to living in your purpose.

Let me give you an example based on how I understand this in my current life.

I LOVE dance. It’s where I feel at home and most like myself. Sometimes I can’t even handle the different emotions I feel when I watch dance because it’s so overwhelming to take it all in. But dance is NOT my purpose. It’s my passion. When I create routines, perform, or even simply watch someone else who also has a true passion for dance, I shine from the inside out. My whole being lights up. You know when you’re around someone who just loves what they do? You can feel their passion for life. Those are the people that you gravitate towards because you can tangibly feel the energy beaming from them. That’s because when we live in our passions, the right people are able to authentically connect. Our vibe attracts our tribe, right? #facts

But what if you could live your purpose through other day-to-day life activities, not just through the “big” activities such as dance? I’ll give an example.

You’re walking through Wegmans, and you see this woman who has an adorable haircut. You immediately think, “oh my gosh, her haircut is so cute.” And you have a thought of sharing that with her. But you stop yourself. You don’t want to look weird or feel awkward. And then you think, “no, I should tell her.” But then you stop yourself again. And then alas, the moment has passed, she’s now in a completely different section. In that scenario, you stopped yourself from being you because of some weird societal thing that makes us feel uncomfortable making a connection with someone in passing. But for all you know, maybe that compliment was exactly what she needed to hear that day. Maybe she’s going through some family health issues, and just that little compliment would have lifted her spirits.

Again, living your purpose has everything to do with you allowing yourself to be truly you, in every and all moments. So stop caring what other people think about you! I know, easier said than done. But it’s the truth. The more we can stop caring about what others think and what you “should” or “shouldn’t do”, and we start living in a way that makes us truly happy, that’s where the impact comes in. Whether it’s in a small interaction with a stranger at the grocery store, or it’s through you letting your light shine through your passions.

If you’re still not sure what your purpose is, start taking note of the things that make you happy. Do you love dogs? See if there’s a way to spend more time around dogs. Maybe volunteer at a dog shelter. Start a side business of walking other people’s dogs. Heck, just go hang out at a dog park. Notice how you react and respond to being in those scenarios, surrounding yourself with the thing you love. You start feeling like yourself again. You start feeling ALIVE! And you know what, the dogs and other people there with you will be able to feel the energy of your true self, which encourages them to be their genuine selves.

My biggest takeaway – The world doesn’t need me to be like my mom, my sister, Rishone, Beyoncé…. The world needs me to be ME!!

So get comfortable with being unapologetically you! Screw what other people think. When we are our true selves, the right people come into our lives and this ripple effect of positivity happens that can’t help but spill out into everywhere we go. And THAT is us living our purpose.

If you want to hear more on this topic from both myself and Rishone, check out our latest Mindful Monday video on Facebook or Instagram.

Drop a comment below if this resonated with you at all or if you had any of your own revelations about what it means to live in YOUR own purpose. We love to hear from you!